Eternal President of the People's Republic of Mbappéstan · Minister of Speed · Supreme Commander of the Counter-Attack
Read The Sacred HistoryAs recorded by the Ministry of Truth (and Highlights)
On the very year France won the World Cup, the heavens opened over Bondy and a baby emerged already running at 36 km/h. The midwife was booked for offside. She appealed. VAR did not exist yet. The baby has never forgiven the system.
Day 1: tells the doctor his release clauseAge 19. World Cup winner. He sprints past Argentina's defence so fast that three defenders file a missing persons report on themselves. Pelé himself sends congratulations. The Leader responds: "Respect, King." The people weep.
Argentina defenders: 🧍🧍🧍 Kylian: 💨For four Five-Year Plans in a row the Leader announces he is leaving Paris. For four Five-Year Plans in a row he signs again. The citizens learn the national sport: refreshing transfer news at 3 a.m. Economists call it "the Mbappé Cycle".
"Here we go" — Fabrizio, probably, 47 timesHe scores a hat-trick in a World Cup final. He loses. The state media rewrites history: "The trophy was too small for him anyway." Statues of the trophy are quietly replaced with statues of the hat-trick.
Scores 3 in a final. Still the main character.At last the prophecy is fulfilled. The Leader arrives in Madrid. Eighty thousand citizens chant his name. A press conference is held to announce he is happy. A second press conference is held to announce the first one was historic.
Childhood bedroom posters: ✅ achievedAll citizens must now celebrate every minor success — finishing homework, finding parking, surviving Monday — with crossed arms and the face of a disappointed father. Smiling while celebrating is punishable by watching Ligue 1 replays.
🙅♂️ arms crossed. vibes immaculate.Breaking any of these results in being subbed off at 60'
All roads have a minimum speed of 36 km/h. Pedestrians walking slower will be "left in the dust, respectfully."
The Ballon d'Or is now awarded annually to the Leader by default. Other nominees may receive a participation sticker.
The Leader shall not track back. Tracking back is a bourgeois invention of the full-back class.
Every photo, selfie and wedding portrait must feature crossed arms. Grandmothers are not exempt.
Each year the nation takes a week off to speculate on where the Leader will play next. He will then stay. Or not. Nobody knows. That is the point.
Only the Leader may take penalties, free kicks, corners, throw-ins and the kick-off. Goalkeepers may take goal kicks, if they ask nicely.
100% verified by the Ministry of Vibes
Print it. Hang it. Salute it.
Mandatory for all citizens. Results sent to the Leader's agent (his mum).
Tap the turtle. Every tap feeds the Five-Year Plan.